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Bitch Please

I grew up quickly and I knew what i wanted. But life just sucks and I ended up here.

23 and nothing but a shitty relationship to show for it and a semi decent job.

Why do this?

  • I am all about saying what you want and expressing how you feel.
  • SEX, Drugs, love, hate, all the crazy nonsense in between.
  • What i always say: “It makes sense if you don’t think about it”

Try and not lose yourself completely , otherwise you may be like me and keep trying to climb back out of the hole you dug yourself into.

I do this solely to put my life out there:

  • This will be random
  • Maybe my stories will help you
  • maybe they won’t
  • Maybe I really just don’t care

Today

Today is a present

Laughter filled the air

Music flowed through my soul

Wild and free

Randomness enticed

Excitement and adventure

On a new journey, there.. there the future we’ll see

Sunshine ☀️

You are beautiful

You are strong

Warmth radiates deep into my heart

Love shines and extends beyond all that I can see

Wishing and waiting while the dark invades as monsters roam

Bidding your time and meeting me once again

You are everything good

And I know that you will cycle once more, never wanting to go

You are my sunshine, my heart, and my soul

Lost, but not Quite found.

I live in a world of my own imagination. I believed thats the only way that i could live. This world has brought me down. It picks me up and takes me real high and then.. when i least except, everything just goes.. SPLAT!!

HOw is it that this world takes what you hold dear turns it to evil? How is it that when I need it the MOST, just that ONE thing, it takes it away from me?

On the positive side of things, i have awesome people in my life, my friends and family and even my coworkers.

But that one thing I just can’t seem to let myself grasp is Happiness. And everyone hears sadness in my voice. Hell, i don’t even realize that’s what I’m feeling until someone one speaks up. I don’t intentionally feel sad or mad. I feel Lost, navigating my life day to day with what I’m supposed to do and what want to do. Which these days is a whole lot of nothing… but i force myself up, to make plans, to not be so lonely in my head, even when It’s that last i want to do.

That joy distracts me for a little while. But when I get back home, those thoughts creep back. I feel lost again. And really I don’t know why this is so constant, always drilling me to my wits end.

So yeah, maybe I haven’t found my constant happiness; I mean, who really has? Just keep trying, Don’t lose that hope. Hope is what can keep you going, at least in my opinion. It’s helped me.

OMG, Fuck YES!

Been a crazy few weeks for me. Ultimately i wanted to experience living just on my own and discover “me”, because i never got

SO First i moved from my boyfriends mom’s house to my sisters house for a week. ( We’re not broken up ) And then that didn’t really work because it was a small ass place. So i ended up at my Uncles house for the last couple weeks with my cat. And it’s been so nice with how close to work it is.

BUT anyways, i was going to stay there for a few months, but NOW all my wishes are slowly coming true 🙂 . I mean i’ve been waiting to get my own for a long ass time and now it might actually happen.

I got a call for the apartment i’ve been waiting on today. I just need to put in my Application and see if a qualify and IF I DO i’ll be moving ONCE AGAIN in 2 weeks 🙂

Well I’ll update you later in my events the next couple weeks.

BUT I JUST COULDN’T WAIT AFTER I GOT THIS NEWS. IM SOOOOO EXCITED!

When I see you

Missing you has been hard.

You’re my love, my life.

You’re over there and I’m here.

When I see you my love brightens

When I don’t my heart trembles

Life is hard

Love is harder

But it’s everything ❤

BITCH-HOE-CUNT

WARNING: This is not me being a bitch. If you think this is about you, not my fault. Back away if you can’t take the truth. If you know who this is – don’t say. I will find you and you don’t want that. FUCK.

Friends.. we meet, we have the same interests, we hang out, we love and laugh. We know each other. We have fights and apologize, then we get over it.

So lets go down a different road and boy here’s the story for you.

FIRST OF ALL – FUCK DUDE

SECOND OF ALL – WHAT THE FUCK

THIRD OF ALL – WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

Okay good that’s all out…

Okay. Yay, story time!

ONCE UPON A TIME — wait no fuck that.. starting over

We all have that one friend that we believe gets us and knows us, that we can do stupid shit and not worry. But that’s really not the story here.

I know a bitch that gets on everyone’s nerves and this is how it goes..

LOUD. Obnoxious. Crazy. Fun. ANNND down right self centered.

In the beginning, when we met life was good, we had fun, we had so much fun on random escapades. Then little by little the SHIT hit the fan and it hurt. We had a group of friends, that did everything together. I left. Then I came back years later and we picked right back up where we left off. DRAMA ensued thereafter – i mean somehow it follows me around, So lets air this shit out because it got toxic and gross.

That night. OHMYGAWD, FUCK THAT NIGHT! What came afterwards showed me who you are and believe me after this lets see dude.

GIrls night! Have a couple friends over, have a couple drinks, talking about crap and enjoying each other’s company. SO I THOUGHT. Anyways this bitch tells me come on over “we can have it at my house”. So i invite a couple girlfriends. We’re having fun, singing, dancing, then this bitch’s dickwad of a boyfriend ( who was supposed to Leave) stays and invites his cousins to come on over. Okay cool.. turns into a party. So everyone starts taking shots, having a grand ole time. Then all of a sudden a fight erupts. Bitch’s boyfriend starts yelling and making her cry – like “END OF THE FUCKING WORLD CRY, I’M GOING TO DIE HERE” cry. – so fuck, it ruins the mood – whatever. All us “friends” console her and calm her down. Then Dickwad over here comes in and starts yelling and spewing profanities again. FINALLY AFTER A GOOD HOUR OF THIS SHIT, everything is cool. People bailed out, last two people stay.

Now we’re SOBER – we’re talking again, listening to music. Being chill. Then Bitch and Dickwad come out all calm – and start drinking again, and talking, I start braiding her hair. So here we go…

ROUND: what the actually FUCK!

ALL OF A FUCKING SUDDEN, This Bitch got nasty, pulling her boyfriends pants down, whipping out his dick and gave him a blowjob. Not even 2 feet away from us. I mean Kudos to you, but your last 2 best friends really didn’t need to see that.

OH IT GETS WORSE:

Next thing we know, he stands up, walks to the kitchen, Turns around. PULLS down his pants. Sticks his dick back between his buttcheeks and goes “HAHA Hey look i have a MAN-GINA”. Okay, haha very funny. (what are you? 12?) I look away, yelling for him to stop.

2 minutes later: IT GETS WORSE

As I’m looking away. My other friend is there and all i hear is a scream “AHHHHH!!” I turn around to see what she screamed at. and when i look He’s over there all willy-nilly Swinging his dick around. thinking it’s the greatest thing.

Here’s where it just goes down hill and to not return:

Next, Bitch starts yelling “Hey don’t do that in front of my friends”. He then uses my friend who is not into guys as his Escape goat. NOT COOL. Saying “Well its only ****. It doesn’t matter because she’s a lesbian”. ( First all of, Fuck You. That is never OKAY unless it’s consensual. SECOND OF ALL, that doesn’t fucking matter, you were intentionally traumatizing her. THIRD OF ALL, NO ONE FUCKING GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO THAT)

Moving ON: SHIT GETS REAL

Shouts erupting, Bitch and Dickwad chasing each other back and forth. Spewing Nonsense and profanities. Dickwad threatened to jump over the fence on the patio as Bitch would not let him go. We (the last 2 bestfriends of Bitch) started grabbing our stuff and was leaving. We got out the door about 30 feet away and hear “BANG BANG BANG” like something getting pounded. We look at each other, one of us starts crying. we’re worried and don’t want to leave. We CARE and went back inside to make sure BITCH was still okay. DIckwad starts beating the the fridge again. Denting it forever. They’re still yelling. He grabs her, she pushes him away. and then all of a sudden She’s asking us for help to calm him down. Okay. I’m pissed. He’s a grown ass man acting like a child. I start yelling and that’s rare. now people know i’m pissed)

He turns around and starts going off on me. Yelling at my other friend making her cry. Saying “so you defend her but not me, and she’s over here hitting me and whatnot”. Okay like what? He’s a grown ass man, way bigger than bitch. Plus she was our friend so why the fuck not. Anyways, it continues, they both move outside the apartment, continuing to argue. Also Dickwad was trying to make Bitch look weak and inferior. So, as this goes on, Me and my friend are just sitting there on the couch again and listening to what’s going on and then minutes pass and shit now we’re worried because we don’t hear anything. We’re like okay let’s leave. We take the alcohol and start walking away. Next thing we know cops show up about a noise complaint. We’re like well Fuck, lets deal with this. And we call Bitch up and apparently she chased Dickwad a mile down the road – BAREFOOT as he ran off to his grandmothers house like a scared little mouse. Bitch runs back, talks to the cops, after I talked them down. Then after that, all she does is run back in the house, get on the phone immediately and calls him. Ignoring us. Okay Cool. So we grab everything head out and go home.

NOW: Here’s the CUNT Part.

Went home. She calls our other friend. Then this Bitch starts accusing me for her indiscretions. Such as, since it’s my fault i brought alcohol to her house for a GIRLS NIGHT, it’s my fault that her and Dickwad got into the entire argument. So, then she also says, ” well i was trying to drop hints all week that i didn’t want to do the Girl’s Night here” BITCH i fucking asked you over and over and over again if it was “okay” and “If thats fine” . Bitch tells me ” Yeah sure, have people come over”. And now she turns it on me. Saying and then you made it into a party. First of all, NO I DIDN’T. Your was supposed to leave and go hang out with his cousins and not stay for our girls night. So again not my fault. Then say states that i need to drink to “have fun”. Bitch no. I don’t actually drink often and i absolutely DON’T need it to drink. Okay, next. THEN, apparently she takes offense that i have the Audacity to ask for an apology. She acted like nothing is a matter and wants move on.

Well now I’m all for moving on. but then I hear for the last few years she’s talking shit on me behind back. What’s funny is that I reconnected with an old friend that she wanted all to herself but they have some issues and aren’t friendS anymore. And this Bitch, I find out has been pitting all three of her “best friends” against each other. Believing she saying the truth and whatnot.

Well all three of us meet up, we talk and we realize what a CUNt this Bitch actually is. We reconnected the 3 us of us. And aired out all the drama that didn’t even exist beTween all of us. We then find out all these lies and now know how UNREAL our friendship was with her. She never truly cared for us and the only the bitch wanted us around was to use us, either rides, to buy her shit, for our generosity, and basically to only talk about herself without any concern for how we felt or to know anything going on in ours lives. So that wasn’t a friendship what so ever.

SKIP FORWARD TO THE PRESNT NOW:

Now 5 months later, without the toxicity of that poor friendship. We’re looking up and realize we’re better off without those kind of people. And honestly the 3 of us are better friends than ever.

PSA: don’t involve your life in a toxic relationship. It makes you feels down, unwanted, and just down right exhausted.

To my best forever friends: I love you and thank you.

If anyone has comments or questions, please comment below.

The Breakdown

Volume rising on the TV. Alone in my space. Shouting arises, glass shattering, names being thrown in the next room over. The door opens as aroma of Rosemary Mint tea rushes in. Surrounded by the chants of anger. Not knowing what just happened, I jump on the monster that my mother had recently married when I saw the three numbers he was dialing. Shouts erupt in my head, screaming for him to stop. The vicious circles that form his eyes see me as he raises his fist, shoving me back. Watching my mother cower on the couch, I knew this was not right, because darkness had successfully seeped in to my life. Knocks echo on the front door, lies being exchanged; and I watch the hysterical cries of my mother as they pull her away not knowing the truth. The coldness crept in, making me succumb to the ground, face flushed in hateful anger. This moment marks a change in me, I am not the same as I use to be four years ago; a carefree, goofy child; but instead a more conservative, quiet person. This moment represents me looking at reality, where the real world hit me so fast, I thought I was spinning. Writing. Writing is the only thing that kept me from falling into the great abyss of hate. For being a kid in the 7th grade, I naturally assumed that I’d just have the normal difficulties of middle school. I never expected to move to a new city, to a new school, have a new “dad”, and be somewhere I knew no one. That unforgettable day in that new town corrupted the innocent child I was and brought along a more careful adult like one. Because that day, I stood up for my mother who had been falsely accused by the LIAR, I tried to rid whatever nonsense had occurred, unsuccessful but in the end it pushed me on to be stronger and a strengthen my writing. Just like Newton’s first law, if this event did not hit me, I would not be on the path I now possess. My world had turned into darkness but through it I saw an outlet that forced some light on me and expanded my creativity. I believe this experience I encountered, made me more susceptible to see the world in a more detailed kind of way without the sugarcoating of it. I stand my ground more firmly, keeping my integrity intact. I won’t let anyone hurt me like my mother was hurt. My writing is the foundation of who I am, through my stories, I show strength. The force that threw me off my previous path has increased my ability to overcome many difficult obstacles. 

In other words..

Life has definitely been interesting and strange lately. I mean, how can it not?

First, I moved out on my own for the first time ever! I’m working on my self and that will be hard. Second, I left a guy who i thought needed me but clearly needed a vacation away. And third, i’m finding my self to be a little more peaceable, and running into old friends and reconnecting.

One thing for sure this journey wont be easy and i’m not scared to ask for help this time.

P.S. I love you my wonderful friends and thank you for dealing with me for this long ❤

Dumb Asses

SO trying to communicate…

I tried to communicate to my boyfriend like “ hey why is it that any time we talk, that i must initiate everything?”

He’s all “ well i dont like talking on the phone”

..did i mention that his out of town hanging with a friend in a diffferent state? It not like I’m all “ hey don’t have fun” or “you cant enjoy your self”

All I’m saying is… “communicate with me, show me that you do miss me” like what the FUCK is that so hard? And I’m not mad either. I just think he should trying giving me a call once in a while and not be a dick.

Is that so wrong to want from a boyfriend i’ve been with for so many yearsS?

Anyways, so we’re talking, or i guess i was talking for him and all he was doing was Smoking a bowl and calling it “don’t attack me”.

I’m not a bitch, and definitely dont want to be ones of those “stupid annoying prissy girlfriends” that all “give me attention constantly” from their boyfriends 24/7. But seriously dude, some effort would fucking help your girlfriend have some piece of mind that you’re thinking of her.

SO yea fuck dude, show me you care as much as i do.

That call ended “ well i guess I’m annoying you, so i’ll let you go”

There was no “ I love you” or “ i miss you” or can’t wait to see you”

Like fuck, a girl just wants some fucking attention, like is that so fucking hard to understand.

I love the guy but come on, grow up.

In the end “ all he said was that i need a hobby, bye”

DAMN.. well shit dude, you really don’t know me then…

I hope ONE FUCKING DAY he understands that what i need is for everything to NOT be so ONE FUCKING SIDED.

Well enough, i won’t call and if he gets back in town he’ll have to call me if he wants me. Fuck.

🙂

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